Episode 24: Holding My Daughter

[00:00:00] Seth: So I had this moment last week when I was holding my two year old daughter after she had just woken up from a nap. And when that happens it's usually kind of a mystery as to what mood she's going to be in when she wakes up. But that day she was really somber and for like a half an hour she just wanted to be held.

And it was a little inconvenient. But those moments are really, really special. And they have a tendency to get you to start thinking. And even as I was putting this podcast together, she came over and was trying to sit on my lap as I was trying to type and, you know, it was tough, but even that, it was just, it was so cute.

And I felt sort of this burden because it was a reminder of how important I am in that little girl's life. And just sort of an awareness that I am her safe space in this world. And I'm sure her mother is as well. But just knowing how important you are to your children is, it's a daunting feeling.

It's, it's unnerving, really. To know that come hell or high water, there's someone that needs you. I mean, I, I have moments where I feel exhausted by my work and I'll fantasize about just running off and living in a tent or something, but that's not an option for me anymore because I've got these little ones that rely on me, even though it is a burden.

I wouldn't have it any other way. So while I was holding my daughter, I put on this movie for my kids to watch. And it's, it's one of my favorites. It's called the little princess. I'm sure a lot of you have seen it as a child. To me, it was just a girl movie and I kind of ignored it. It was not of interest to me because I mean, I couldn't appreciate stuff like that when I was a kid, but it really gets me thinking every time I watch it which isn't too often, but I put it on occasionally for my kids.

But it's really become one of my favorite stories. It both highlights how important fathers are, and how little girls deserve to be valued. So the story revolves around this little girl who's been raised by a loving father in British India who also happens to be very wealthy and owns several companies and, or owns one company, I don't know, but he's rich, that's the point.

And at the outbreak of World War I, this little girl's father is called to war as an officer, and as the circumstances demand, his daughter is sent to a boarding school while he goes off to fight a war because he's a widower. And so she can't stay with her mother. And I suppose that was also sort of just kind of how things were.

You went to boarding schools when you were little in England at the time. If, if your parents had any money to put you in one. So, like a princess, this little girl is provided with the best of everything, and she quickly becomes the most adored girl in this school not just for her wealthy status, but because she's generous, and she's kind, and most especially, she has a beautiful imagination, and just She lights up everyone else's imaginations with these beautiful stories that she comes up with.

And she begins to bring the best out of the other girls in the process. And the other girls begin, naturally, to refer to her as a princess. She's wealthy. She's kind. She's generous. Now, I'm going to spoil the story a little bit. So if you don't want me to do that, then you can cut out here. But there's this very hard point in the film when they're celebrating this little girl's birthday.

When an attorney comes to the headmistress of the school representing the girl's father. And as it turns out, the girl's father has been killed in action. And his company, along with all of his other assets, have been seized by the British government. And when the headmistress realizes she now has an orphan on her hands, that will not be paying the bills, she dramatically shuts down the party.

Tells the little girl her father has died and that, All of her belongings now belong to the school as compensation for the bills that will no longer be paid. And she immediately moves her into the attic and informs her that she'll have to earn her keep. So this little girl goes from materially being a princess to being just a little girl in rags that has to do whatever she can to earn her keep.

But really the, the part of this story that's so beautiful, is that this little girl never stops acting like a princess, in the best sense of the word. She's dressed in rags, and she's made to do all of the menial chores for all the other little girls. Yet, she continues to treat others with kindness, and generosity, and love.

And, even though the other little girls are kind, Told not to speak with her. They're all so drawn to her magnetic little personality that they'll sneak up to just hear her stories You might have heard the phrase you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig I like that because what you are is what you are regardless of what you look like if you're a jerk And you're rich you're still a jerk if you're a jerk and you're poor you're still a jerk You can take a little girl with a beautiful soul And you can smear dirt all over her, and you would still have the same little girl.

At one dramatic climax in the story, the headmistress subjects this little girl to another moment of cruelty, and tells her that her stories and notions of being a princess are nonsense. And in an act of defiance, the little girl tells the headmistress, she says, I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics.

Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young, they're still princesses. And she follows that up by asking the headmistress, Didn't your father ever tell you that you were a princess? I pray my daughters know that they are princesses in the best possible way. When we call a woman a princess today, it's more likely to mean that she's an entitled brat.

But I love the notion that every woman is a princess in the sense that she is deserving of as much love as a princess. Girls are different than boys. I have two daughters and one son, and in no way would I say women are more valuable than men. And similarly, I wouldn't say that men are more valuable than women, but I feel like it's more important for women especially to feel loved.

All children deserve to be loved, and should be. But, from what I see, and what I see in myself as well, I feel like men seem to need love. Just a little less of it. I know for myself It's certainly important to feel loved but it just doesn't compare to what I've seen in the women in my life For the women I know in my life Feeling loved is a deep deep need for them and when we can manage to succeed in making them feel that way authentic love, they return in abundance.

I can't really say that this holds true for men though. We're just built a little, a little differently. So not only is it important for a girl to feel loved and adored for her own sake, but it's important all the people around her. It seems to me like a woman can never really reach her full potential without receiving love.

I also think that receiving this kind of love as a child is. Absolutely crucial. If women reach adulthood without having felt properly loved, adored, and cherished, I think it's that much harder for them to feel like love and adoration, but they'll still seek it and often in the wrong places, or they'll go into relationships having the wrong expectations of what love needs to look like.

When I look at my daughters, I feel a deep responsibility for them that's just slightly different than the way I feel that responsibility for my son. I feel this Incredibly important need to make them feel cherished. I need them to know what it feels like to be loved. Someday they're going to leave me and another man will become the center of their world.

And if a girl's loving cup was consistently filled by her father, I think it can potentially last a lifetime. So no matter how a man treats her, she will know what it feels like to be loved, and she will know what a loving relationship should look like. So all girls are princesses, and should be made to feel that way.

One of the best things about women is that when they feel loved, they give and they give and they give. So for the sake of the women in your life, do what you can to make them feel loved. Because this world is cruel, some women don't know what it's like to feel loved properly and as such may not recognize it when they receive it.

But that's all the more reason to give it, because maybe, just maybe, It'll open their eyes. One story that comes to mind for me is the story of Jesus and the woman that was found having an adulterous affair. When they brought that woman to him, they pointed out that she should be stoned as per the law of Moses.

And then they asked him what he had to say on the matter. And his response was, he that is without sin among you. Let him first cast a stone at her and I think in that moment Christ made clear to the world that no matter how dirty How poor how sick or how weak we still have value in the eyes of God And I think this might be my favorite Christian concept.

So So, whether a woman is physically dirty, or metaphorically dirty, she is still a princess, and she is someone's daughter, and if she was never appreciated or treated lovingly by her parents, then that's not her fault. And she is still deserving of all the love we can give. If you want more good women in the world, make the women in your life feel adored.

Don't put them down or demean them, but lift them up. It kills me to watch when women are treated as little more than a means to an end sexually, and the way society holds men to such low expectations. Men have the potential to be incredible protectors and givers, yet It's almost like we chuckle when we see a guy that refuses to commit to a single woman, as we say, oh, boys will be boys.

It's clear that men are wired differently, and that we're much more eager, generally, to pursue sex. But we need to remember that these women have souls. When a woman begins to feel like you've forgotten the spirit that resides in her body, that's when she starts to feel like an object. And why would a person want to spend time with a woman?

With another person that makes them feel like they don't exist. We don't even want to be in the same room as someone that makes us feel invisible. So how on earth can we expect someone to want to be with us in the most intimate way possible if they feel invisible to us? As I hold my daughters I can feel their souls in my arms.

I feel so completely tied to them. And I worry about the world they have to navigate. Because the world is hard. And I love them more than life itself. The idea of someone treating them cruelly It's hard to bear, but over the course of life, I'll be surprised if they're not treated poorly by someone at some point.

So all I can do is hope to fill them with all the love they need to stay resilient in the face of hardship. All girls are princesses, even if they live in tiny old attics, even if they dress in racks, even if they aren't pretty or smart or young, they're still princesses.