Episode 13: How Not Why

[00:00:00] Seth: Do you ever think, why does everything happen to me like this? Why do I have to do this? Why are you doing that? For some reason when inexplicable terrible or frustrating things happen One of the first questions that comes to our minds is why? It's our go to question word for just about every curiosity We have.

Why is the sky blue? Why does water freeze? Why are people so cruel? If you have ever been around a small child, you may have experienced the why game At least that's what I call it. And it usually plays out with the child asking you a why question that you answer. Then it's followed by another why question that you probably answer again until you realize that they're just going to say why until you stop.

The thing about the why game is that if you allow that game to play out, you'll eventually reach some point where you can no longer answer the why question. So let's just say you have a kid and a kid comes up to you and he says, or she says, Why do I have to make my bed? And so you answer, so your room is clean.

Well, why does my room need to be clean? So you can find things, move around, feel good. Why do I need to feel good? Well, you don't need to feel good. Then why are you making me make my bed? Well, because you probably want to feel good. If I don't want to feel good, why do I have to make my bed, then? Because I want to feel good.

Why? Because it's better than feeling bad. Why? Because inherent to the word good is the idea that it is something you want or will ultimately benefit you. Why? Well, because that's just what it means. Why? Because we have to use words to express ideas. Why? Because without them, we'd be limited to hitting each other and grunting.

Why? Because that's the only way we would be able to communicate. Why? Because we were not given telepathic powers. Why? You know what? You got me. I do not know why we were not given telepathy. See, the question why doesn't really get us anywhere. It ultimately leads us to another why question. It has some limited usefulness, but the real question that can actually take you places is.

So, when you're asking a why question, what are you actually trying to accomplish? I mean, there, there certainly are cases where a why question is entirely sincere and you expect a detailed explanation of how something gets there. But frequently the way we use the word why is in sort of an abstract way of, of pleading to the universe.

Why is this thing happening? We're like, why is that happening? Like, where's that coming from? And it just. It ultimately leads to the same place, another why question which ultimately leads to a mystery. So I really don't know why we're not telepathic, and I never will, I suspect. But that's also a silly question if you think about it.

And that's where why can ultimately lead us is really silly questions that are of no use to us, that aren't really going to take us anywhere. So as people, we've got this incredible spark of curiosity in us. It's both. Our blessing and our curse, it drives us to learn, but it also drives us to despair sometimes.

And I think that why question is really us. Every time we're asking that question, I think it's usually trying to find some meaning behind what is happening, but where it gets really, really unhelpful is when we begin to apply it to our unhappy circumstances. So for example, why am I so depressed? Why did this have to happen to me?

Why am I like this? Why can't I just act differently? If we had the answer to those questions, it still wouldn't really help us generally because the answer to why questions usually don't offer any solutions. So hypothetically here, why am I so depressed? Well, because you don't feel valued. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, end of story.

You're still depressed. Why did this have to happen to me? Well, it didn't. It was chance. Or maybe it was because of someone else's choices, or maybe it was because of your choices, or maybe it was God's call. At the end of the day, that doesn't really get you out of that situation. All right, here's another one.

Why am I like this? Well, you were traumatized as a child when A, B, or C happened and You learn this behavior. Okay. Well, you know, that might make you feel good to have a little understanding of why you are the way you are, but how is it leading you to actually fixing what, what the problem is? Cause I assume you're probably in this situation asking the question because you feel like if you knew why, then maybe there's something you could do about it.

So to the last one, why can't I just act differently? Well, maybe because you've developed a habit of behaving this way in this circumstance. And it's just a hard habit to break. So there you go. Lots of reasons. Maybe, maybe it makes you feel a little better if you understand those things, but. Really no solid answers as to how to get out of that rut.

So now the power of how is pretty incredible. The nature of the question kind of requires you to examine the preceding actions that make a thing happen. It's almost like it, it forces you to review the play by play review and you end up with a different answer altogether in most cases. So I'm going to ask those same questions, but I'm going to.

Kind of sub out Y for how. So how did I get so depressed? Well, you lost self esteem from that last relationship because when your ex did A, B, and C, it challenged your understanding of yourself. And now you're not sure who you are or if you are even lovable. A little more detailed, a little more usable information.

How did this happen to me? Well, you chose to go grocery shopping during rush hour. And so you got caught in traffic or. You went someplace where A, B, or C could happen. Maybe you were not aware of those things before now, but now you are. How did I get like this? Well, you chose not to do or to do several things when you were younger, which cascaded into the habits that you currently have.

And then last, how could I act differently in the future? You can start by changing habit A and then move on to habit B, and when you're comfortable with those, you can move on to habit C. So the actual difference between why and how did this happen or whatever, not so different, but there is a difference in our own minds, and I see it in my own, and I see it in other people.

If you switch the question from why to how, it changes the way you look at it. It makes you divide it into pieces. pieces give you something that you can do something with. The way I see it, the word why comes from a place of the world happening to you, while how comes from a place that allows you some functional understanding of the world around you that in turn Gives you a chance to influence it.

If you were to ask, why is the sky blue? I mean, the answer to that could be, I mean, there really is no answer. Why is the sky blue? I mean, I don't know why it's blue, but it's blue. But if you change that question to how did the sky get blue? Well, now you can start getting into electrons and wavelengths and.

properties of light and it just naturally will lead your mind to a place of analysis versus a place of pointless questioning. Maybe the questioning in the why category is not always pointless because it is very much a, a, a meaning seeking question. And I'm all about finding meaning and purpose behind things, but it certainly is not It's not a usable question in a lot of ways, and it does not provide the same functionality.

Asking how a thing works in life just takes you to so much further knowledge, and at the end of the day, the words we choose to use shape the way we think as much as the way we think shapes the words that we use. So use them to your advantage.