Episode 04: I Stopped Believing in Anything

[00:00:00] Seth: So I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart. And just a warning, there are some religious themes in this, not because this is intended to be a necessarily a religious podcast, but you know, religion is part of my life. And so I discuss it a fair amount in here. Anyways, the thing I want to talk about is, is Beliefs, you know, there's been a lot of times in my life when something I believed was challenged leaving me uncomfortable, the very possibility of challenge sometimes was even hard for me to, to even bear you know, and sometimes some of these beliefs that I previously had were just simply destroyed.

And you know, when that happens to a person, when you have a, Kind of a core belief that, that is being shaken or is suddenly been removed from you. It can leave you feeling empty and unanchored and you know, all sorts of negative stuff. And so, you know, having my beliefs challenged and having my beliefs destroyed and crushed is never it's never been something that I've looked forward to, but regardless, it's happened a few times in my life.

And when I'm talking about beliefs, I mean, the kind of beliefs that I'm I'm talking about are identity shaping. Maybe religious beliefs, maybe beliefs about people generally and how they behave and how they're supposed to behave. Maybe beliefs about a specific person. Maybe that person that you just believed with all of your heart that you could trust, you find out has some major skeletons in the closet and it's just destroyed you.

I know that's happened to millions of people. Maybe a belief in, in just how you thought the world operated. And it was gone. It was ripped away from you. You've realized one day, all of a sudden, that everything you thought you knew is not true. I think the biggest tragedy of this sometimes is it, when these beliefs are taken from us it kind of leaves us apathetic, especially Beliefs of the religious variety.

When you used to have an understanding of the world that gave you some kind of meaning and purpose, and suddenly a person doesn't believe that anymore, it leaves them kind of apathetic. It's like, well, how do I, what do I make of this? What do I do with it? And usually people find their way to some kind of.

I grabbed them that, but there's a lot of, a lot of apathy and I'd say nowadays I just feel like my entire childhood and I'm not terribly old. I'm in my thirties. And I just remember even in high school for me, it was so uncool to care about anything. The more you cared about something. It seemed like the more lame you were, you know, the aloofness, the indifference, the apathy towards everything was almost encouraged, and anybody that, not every school was like this, I imagine, but I remember in my high school, like if you had school pride amongst the people that I was around, you were a loser for some reason.

It was, it was lame to have school pride. It was lame to, to care about anything. And you know, there's a, there's a big chunk of people out there that seem to, they live on this negative energy, this apathy about the world where they're happy to criticize everything. Anyways,

back to the discussion on beliefs. Over the course of my life, I've had many of my core beliefs shaken. You know, I'm, I'm a divorced man my ex wife, I thought she was going to be my forever. As a child, I thought everyone would be nice to you when you were nice to them. I once believed in Santa Claus.

I can't even remember ardently defending his existence to my friends as a young child and being threatened at the very idea that he wasn't real. And when it came to the debate of whether or not Santa was real, I was, I was a, a, One of the last holdouts, but every time one of those beliefs came to an end, it hurt, you know, some hurt more than others.

And, you know, by the time I learned about Santa Claus, I wasn't, you know, that one had been kind of slipping away for some time. So it didn't bother me too much. But I still remember the day I realized that my marriage might not make it. You know, you go into a marriage not even thinking about the possibility that it could be breaking up at some point in the future.

No one ever goes into a marriage expecting it to fall apart. And at some point, I imagine for everybody that has gotten a divorce, there is some point where they realize that their marriage Might not make it and I remember being so broken inside that I would say it completely changed who I was The way I viewed life the way I approached my relationship and you know, I didn't give up at that point in fact things actually got better after I hit that point and I think it was largely because of some of the changes I made Which I can talk about that at another point in time, but, you know, it lasted, my, my marriage was 10 years.

That realization I had was probably a year and a half in, and it only ended last year, so. Regardless though, that, that one time when I realized that this may not be forever, it was one of the worst times of my life. It was painful, it hurt, and it literally changed my life. I mean, I wouldn't say everything, but it changed a lot about who I was and how I approached the world and what my expectations were and my understanding of everything.

Well, not everything, but a lot at the time, most, most everything to do with my relationship. It changed anyways. Like I said before, I actually. I did recently get divorced, which also, you know, creates sort of a, when it actually happens, it creates a moment in time where things you re you reflect on things and you, it can really cause you to reassess some things.

So not too long ago, I made the decision to just stop believing in anything, the pain and emptiness of, of having those beliefs challenged and smashed and crashed and everything, you know, it just, it's just. It wasn't worth it for me. And so I just removed myself from the obligation to believe in everything.

What good is a belief if it does nothing for you? And if it's causing you so much anxiety, then that belief is not serving you. If it's causing you so much frustration, it's not serving you. Anyways, I think it makes sense that the beliefs that you hold should have some utility for you. And so in some ways it just doesn't make sense to me why we put so much stock into certain beliefs such as whether or not the earth is flat.

I don't know how that's going to help you. Whether or not people should behave in a certain way certainly is never going to help you. Because whether or not people should behave in a certain way is never going to change the way that they do behave. I mean you're probably going to do better just getting rid of that belief altogether.

So why believe? It's not serving you. Why do that? What value is there in believing in God if you have no hope of going to heaven? It just fills you with guilt, which I think is a reason a lot of people leave religion. This all sounds pretty negative. But conversely giving up my beliefs made something happen that I didn't really expect.

You know, instead of finding myself apathetic to everything in life, surprisingly, I found myself believing in some things again, with an entirely different motive. When I allowed myself to no longer feel that obligation to believe in anything, I found that there were some, some of these beliefs that I actually felt drawn to.

You could even say I felt like a deep gratitude or a love for them. See, throughout my life, probably the most The single most important belief I've ever had has been my belief in God and in my religion generally. I had always been terrified of losing those and, I mean, I say terrified because I had had those beliefs challenged before.

And that makes me uncomfortable. Well, not really anymore, but it did, it made me uncomfortable because it was, I mean, these were part of my identity. They were part of my purpose. They were part of so many things in my life. And the idea of not having those in my life anymore was, was terrifying. You know, it seemed to me that without them, the only real meaning your actions could take on would be self interest.

You know, without that belief, I suppose I could choose to believe that the greatest purpose in my life was my own self interest. But, you know, I don't love that idea. Surprisingly, it feels empty. I want any worldly power or wealth I acquire in this life to ultimately serve some purpose outside of buying me a nicer car or letting me fly around in a private jet.

I mean, don't get me wrong, those things would be nice, but I just hope there's something more to it. But anyways, like I said earlier, when I, when I actually let myself, when I just stepped away from those beliefs, I said, you know what? I don't care whether or not they're true. I don't know if it's fair to say I don't believe, but like, I, I didn't care.

It was irrelevant to me. I had that moment. I let myself let go. And maybe for the first time ever, I began to actually feel a love for those beliefs. What was strange to me is how when you don't come at your belief from a place of obligation, It can create a space for you to actually appreciate whether or not you actually like the idea.

You know, for me, this is what happened. I realized I actually love the very concept of God. I love the concept of Christ as a savior, as someone that comes down and takes on the sins of the world and takes on your pain and frustration and all of that.

I love that idea. I love that what I do now in my life and how I treat others may serve some greater purpose. I love the idea that every soul has worth. I love that we learn in the Bible that Christ came first to the sinners, not the righteous. Well, at least the ones that thought they were righteous.

And he invited them to follow him. He didn't come as an authoritarian dictator that burdened the population with guilt and shame. Rather, he came with a purpose of alleviating pain, to help lift people up to a higher plane of living. I mean, what greater purpose is there in life? I mean, and really, without God, there is, there really is no purpose in that, really.

And so, that's why I just found I gravitate to these ideas, regardless of whether, I mean, they could, They could not be true. They could all be false. I don't really know. I really like believing in God. I love the idea. I love the idea that there is a being full of gratitude and love willing to take your pain.

And so I guess you can say in a strange way, I found a belief again. I just no longer feel obligated to believe it. But of the millions of things that I could believe, it's like, I mean, why not? I'm going to believe in that one. Is all the other ones suck? Or just aren't as good in my opinion? You know, could my beliefs be disproven?

I don't think so. You know, God's one of those things that you can't really disprove him. And you can't really disprove the idea that there's nothing out there either. I mean, either direction. I mean, the extent of human knowledge is probably infinitely going to be limited. So I mean, I don't think that's going to happen.

But I think sometimes it's okay. To set aside the belief that we have, that we can only allow empirically proven evidence to dictate our actions, the only things that you can actually empirically prove anyways are things like the circumference of the earth, the temperature at which water turns to ice, and etc, etc, etc.

It's not like any of those things offer much wisdom as far as how to live your life. They may help you stay alive, but they aren't going to give you any meaning. They aren't going to give you any purpose. And I think most people want to have a purpose in life without any kind of eternal truth, any kind of definition of right or wrong that's tied to something outside of self interest, even long term self interest.

I mean, there really is no actual meaning. I mean, you can invent meaning for yourself. But if you invented it then you know you invented it. So for me, I just I love the idea of a god I love the idea of an eternal source of wisdom an eternal source of right and wrong I mean frankly if right and wrong is determined by society then suddenly many of the most horrific things that have happened in Human history can be justified.

I mean, genocides, if the idea is to create a harmony in your society where everybody's much more similar than those people could make the argument that that's, that's for the ultimate good, because that is what matters to them because there is no ultimate right or wrong in that case. I love the idea of an eternal right or wrong, and I don't love the idea that there isn't.

So for me, I love, I love the idea. There was a time that I felt so bound to my beliefs as if I had to follow them in order to validate the fact that I believed in them. When I stopped making myself feel that obligation, I was able to find this new motivation that I'm talking about, which is, it's like a love.

So I think that's the way we got to approach certain beliefs. You know, some of these beliefs. They're going to resonate with you, or these ideas, they're going to resonate with you. And they may not be empirically provable. You might not be able to prove the existence of a God. You might not. And I keep on talking from a Christian perspective here, but I mean, even our beliefs about people, people may all be terrible, but I really like the idea that they're not.

And so believing that they're not terrible, that's the kind of thing that I want to believe. And so, I mean, for heaven's sakes, prove me wrong. But I want to believe that most people have a kernel of good in them. I want to believe things that resonate, things that make me happy. Your beliefs should serve you.

And if your beliefs are not serving you, then you're, you're believing in the wrong things. You're, you're loving the wrong ideas. You know, for me, I want to get married again someday. And I love the idea that the next time I get married, it's going to be Forever this time it's going to be that special someone and we're going to have a wonderful life together you know i'm going to believe that is it possible that I end up divorced again and unhappy and Maybe I find out that that i'm a screw up at some point in my life later down the line I don't know but i'm gonna believe That that future relationship is out there for me because that belief serves me It serves me.

It makes, it gives me something to look forward to. It gives me something to be excited about. If there ever comes a day that I am just convinced that all people are inherently bad, I'm just going to hope to be proven wrong and I'm going to try to look for the good. I'm going to try to find that because like I said, some beliefs are not serving you.

They're not doing you any good. I love the kinds of beliefs that actually bring people joy and contentment. I don't love the kinds of beliefs that drag us down. You know, since we have the ability to choose our beliefs. Let's choose the ones that have potential and make you actually happy and maybe bring some contentment to your life.

Sometimes you just gotta sit down and do a little bit of self reflection and figure out which, which of those beliefs are actually helping you. Which of those beliefs are, are putting you down and which of them are lifting you up. At the beginning, I think a lot of our beliefs come from a place of love to begin with.

But sometimes they devolve into this, this state of belief where you're, you're afraid that it's not true. And so you, you cling on to it even stronger when in the first place, you know, you, you gravitated a belief because you loved the idea of it. And then in the second place, so you want to believe that this, your significant other is the most special person ever and, and that you love them and you have a great relationship.

Will you find out some terrible thing? And maybe they started cheating on you and maybe. Maybe they haven't been honest with you and it's breaking that belief, but you just are just dying to hang on to that belief that they're a good person. And you're afraid to have that challenge, or you're afraid that it's not true, and you're afraid of that belief breaking.

And sometimes we just have to let ourselves let go of that obligation. And a lot of times it'll let us come back to those beliefs out of a place of love. Maybe once you can acknowledge the wrongdoing of another person, maybe you can actually come back and recognize that they were very wrong. Yet, they're not a terrible person inherently.

I'm not trying to justify anybody that's cheating by any means, but it is with a lot of things. You can have those beliefs that, about people, they get crushed, they get destroyed, and when you, when you no longer feel any obligation to believe that thing about a person, you sometimes will have greater freedom to actually come at a place of love.

Come from a place of, of caring and just acceptance of what the reality is. That kind of to the Christian theme for me, one of the thoughts I always dwelt on was, you know, what is the point of anything if there is no God? And that probably sounds like I was trying to talk myself into believing in God, but in reality, that was a symptom of me hanging on to my belief.

Like it was a bush growing on the side of a cliff and it was the only thing keeping me from falling. And I was just hanging on to it. I had to tell myself that. Cause I just didn't want to let go of that. You know, when I finally let myself let go of it, the obligation was gone. It became, it was a different source.

So I gave up that belief one day and I allowed myself to consider the possibility that everything is truly meaningless. But letting go of that belief set me free. And like a phoenix from the ashes came kind of a new and abiding love for that concept, for the idea that there's meaning to life, to the idea that every soul has a purpose.

Every person is, is a value. Those concepts are, are special. They're wonderful. They resonate with me. So that's what I love. And so I guess you can say the things that I love are the things that I believe now. So the very concept that there is a God and that he would send his son. They would ultimately atone for all the mistakes we made.

I love that idea. That there is someone so full of love and gratitude to bring that on themselves and to take it away from you. So, do I believe in God? Yeah, I guess I do. But not in the way I once did. I no longer cling to the idea of God for fear of losing all meaning and purpose. Rather, rather I embrace the concept as it infuses me with meaning and purpose.

I embrace it because I like it. That's the only reason. I just like the idea. I love it. So, you know, at the end of the day, there's a few different ways to believe things. You know, you can believe in something because you feel obligated in order to keep some fear at bay. You can believe in a thing because the balance of your knowledge leans in favor of one thing or another.

Or you can believe a thing because you actually love it. What temperature water turns to ice and the circumference of the earth like I mean That's that's the kind of thing you believe because that's what you've been taught in school And it's probably true and you know if you actually went through and tried to do the measurement It probably would be true.

So you're gonna go for that. And I think that's a good That's a good way to believe in things like that But when it comes to things about beliefs that are gonna impact the way you live your life Pick something you love. Pick a belief that's gonna take you far. Pick a belief that's gonna lift you up.

Anyways, just let go and see where things fall