Episode 103. Kids Shouldn't Be Your World

What in life deserves our time and attention and what things don't. I hope that as we consider that question along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “Kids Shouldn’t Be Your World.”

The modern culture around parenting says we need to have our kids in sports programs, put them in the best schools, take them on nice vacations and dress 'em in really great clothes. But I kind of wonder if we traded in child raising for child worship instead. I can tell you as a father to three kids that I love being a parent, but it isn't always what we make it out to be in our imaginations.

It comes with a lot of extra work that no one's going to pay us for. As a parent, I understand why so many people would rather skip out on their biological calling, but maybe we're doing something wrong. See, back in the 1960s when people were making a lot of babies, the fear was that we were going to consume all of the planet's resources and destroy it along with ourselves.

That didn't happen, but it put a fear into us that still affects our behavior. In the US the birth rate was recently 1.66 births per woman. So basically, without immigration we can expect the US population to decline. This isn't just a western trend, though. Across the world, birth rates have declined for years.

At one point in time, having children was almost necessary just to survive. They were your pathway to security. If you factor in that social security programs are dependent on younger working age individuals, you can argue that they still are. Regardless, we're more disconnected from the benefits of children than we've ever been before today, it seems more likely you can expect to be ruled over by little kings and queens that demand most of your attention and limit your capacity to go and do fun things.

But I don't blame the children for that. If you do have children, society expects you to put them into classes, show up to every event, do homework with them every night, and show up to their third grade graduation. I just wonder if we have the focus backwards. A long time ago, the average family size was so big that the expectations for what parents were expected to do were pretty limited, and children were more or less expected to leave in the morning and to come back when it got dark.

Kids would play all day and that was their job. There were no formal karate, baseball or soccer programs that a parent had to attend in order to be a good parent. Kids organized their own baseball and soccer games and learned to fight with each other. Without formalized instruction. I mean, honestly, when every family had like five kids, anyways, how could you expect them to be able to handle all of those activities?

You just don't have time to do all the things. When you have more than just one child, as they get older, doing it all is going to be the equivalent of a full-time job. Your entire life will be about your kids, but as admirable as that is, to commit so much toward the betterment of your children.

I can’t help but think that maybe it hurts them a little bit. They don't get to grow up seeing who you actually are. Rather, they grow up seeing you as a paycheck and a chauffeur. How about letting them be a part of the life that you already live? Maybe raising children should be less about providing them with a million choices and opportunities, and more about giving them the opportunity to be part of your life and to take part in your interests.

The things a person likes or doesn't like in life is not something they're going to know from the get go. And besides that, most of us will never learn to like something until we stick with it long enough to stop hating it. Maybe your kids will ultimately choose another interest to pursue then whatever interest you have, but at least if they're limited to being part of your life, they will have the opportunity to get to know their parents and to get to know the things their parents love.

When children are young, this is more or less all they want anyways. In most cases, you'll have a child living with you for 18 years, maybe a little longer, but after that they will be gone and your life will continue. And when they're all gone, I'm not sure we should be having to reinvent our lives in order to find ourselves again.

I watch some parents devote all of their spare time, transporting their children to events across the country for an interest that is never going to be a career for these kids. And I wonder if it's even that much more fun for them than playing with friends back home. You know, sometimes people live vicariously through their kids' successes and they get visions of grandeur regarding their success, but at the end of the day, shouldn't we all just learn to find things we can enjoy ourselves?

How much better off our kids for all the structured programs parents put them in. I have good memories of participating in organized sports as a kid, but my best memories are of times I was spontaneously playing with my friends in the streets. Kids benefit from learning to do things themselves. There was a time when we rode our bikes to some place so that we could do something because we wanted to do it.

Some of the responsibility of doing things that we wanted was actually on our shoulders. I think there's something good about that. With so few kids these days, the pressure to invest in them is so high because you have the time for one and for two, so does everyone else, and so that's what they expect out of you.

It seems like there's less and less a place for parents to exist for some of their own interests, so it's no wonder why people see parenthood and decide it isn't for them because it amounts to something akin to the erasure of your independent identity. I just don't see how it makes sense for our kids to grow up feeling like they are the center of the universe and how's that going to work out for them when they get their first job or when they have to start being responsible.

They can learn. They're not the center of the universe from you, or they can learn it from the world. I just think a parent can teach that lesson a lot more tenderly than the world would. Our kids are capable of so much and so are we. When we worship them, we sacrifice ourselves, but we also sacrifice their childhood.

They don't get to work things out themselves, and they don't get to learn who their parent really is. At the end of the day, kids want to be part of our world. They may seek out some independence when they get through puberty, which is all the better, but let's make parenting better for everyone by taking off the pressure to micromanage every second of our kids' day.

And sacrifice ourselves for it. This is Skipping Stones - “Kids Shouldn’t Be Your World.” You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonesr.com. And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe. If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me at info@skippingstonessr.com.

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