Episode 34: Let it Go

[00:00:00] Speaker: To a lesser or greater extent, we all get fixated on things to such a degree that those things can hurt us in the end. Sometimes we're hanging on to hope for something that we should have left a long time ago. Sometimes we're demanding so much of ourselves that we're actually keeping ourselves from realizing our potential.

Because we've assumed so much guilt over the unrealistic expectations that we hold ourselves to. Expectations are fantastic. Hope is wonderful. An unyielding commitment to a thing is admirable. But sometimes those very things are holding us back from what we can become. I'm no stranger to having high expectations for myself.

There are quite a few success stories in my own family. And I think that that has always drawn me to measure my success against theirs. I also have a religious background. When you're taught all your life to strive to be like Jesus, who to some degree is the personification of perfection, it's easy to fall into a perpetual sense of guilt knowing that you could always be doing more.

Sometimes we hang on to people that we probably should have let go of. And sometimes we hang on to ideas that are burning us out to the point that there's nothing left in the tank for things that are more important. I struggle talking about this because one of the greatest regrets I have in my life is giving the right advice to the wrong people.

So, in this example, that while some of you listening may really need the encouragement to let go, others of you may really be better off hanging on. On the one hand, the standards that we hold ourselves to are the only way to grow, but on the other hand, I watch some people trying to tie themselves into a pretzel just to hang on to someone or some idea, or they're simply destroying themselves.

in the process of trying to be perfect, and they start to crack. It's a hard needle to thread because it's the right advice for some and the wrong advice for others. But the best rule of thumb that I could come up with to determine whether or not you're hanging on too tightly is to notice if you're going to extreme measures to try to hang on to whatever this thing is.

For example, if you've ever lifted weights, you've probably read or heard somebody talking about good form. If you're not already aware of the meaning of this, it's more or less the ideal way to move your body during a specific exercise. And the point being that you will successfully stimulate the right muscles and you'll avoid damaging the ones that are not capable of bearing that load.

So if you're squatting, for example, you may be lifting some pretty heavy loads that your legs can handle. But if you start bending your back in the process, that load is going to start using much weaker muscles that will make you less capable of maintaining control of the movement, as well as risking damage to some of those muscles.

If participating in a given exercise is making us. less stable in the process and the things or muscles it was intended to benefit are not benefiting, then it's probably time to let go. So we have a family story about my father that we like to laugh about. Uh, so apparently when he was a little kid, he had this tricycle that he loved.

His family had a pool in the backyard and one day my dad drove his tricycle into the deep end of the pool and he didn't come up. Fortunately my grandfather saw and he jumped in to save him and it turned out that my dad, who could actually swim already at that point, didn't come back up because he didn't want to let go of his tricycle.

So maybe he would have let go before he drowned. If my grandfather hadn't come to save him, but we'll never know. And frankly, I wouldn't have been terribly surprised if he had chosen to hang on. Sometimes we need to let go of things we love because they will metaphorically kill us. Possibly literally.

When I first got into college, I decided I wanted to major in physics. I loved my high school physics class and I seemed to comprehend the math better when it was tied to something tangible like science. There was a problem though. I have a remarkable ability to forget everything I learned in math classes over a summer.

So every year I took math, I really had to relearn it. I thought I was a smart person though, and I made an effort to relearn all of my high school math. When I was in college, so that I could start taking the higher level math classes required for physics. Well, right around the time I got to calculus, I hit a bump in the road.

I had once again forgotten all the stuff I had learned in the previous course. And now the math was significantly more advanced. And I was going to have to retake yet another math class in order to do calculus. I think that had I just forced myself to retake all of those math courses, I That I would have eventually understood it and been able to progress.

But the effort required for me just to keep up with all of these other brilliant students. would have required me to take twice as long as them to graduate. And I probably never would have been a stellar physicist because I'm just not built that way. It was a gut punch to realize that I was just not as capable as some other people.

But I just needed to let go in that instance. I had to let go of the idea that I was really smart, at least in that sense. And I had to let go of the vision that I had of myself. So relative to other things in my life that I have had to let go of, this instance, it's not particularly a big deal. But it's a good example of when we're sacrificing good form to accomplish something.

And I'm going to venture to say that there's probably something in your life that you are hanging on too tightly to. Sometimes it's as simple as an idea. It may be expectations for ourselves that aren't reasonable. It may be a person in our lives. It may be a belief. It's rare that the thing we're hanging on to is anything other than good.

Why else would we hang on to something if we didn't believe it was good? But good things become bad for us when the effort to achieve them ruins us in the process. It isn't necessarily when things become painful that we need to let go, but rather when we have to start telling ourselves lies in order to maintain our commitment to it.

We have this remarkable ability to come up with reasons for ridiculous things. It's as if we have a resident attorney hiding in our heads for when the need arises. I read a story recently about a woman who convinced herself that she was not having an affair because, according to her, you can only have an affair if there is no love involved.

I know someone that convinced himself that that the Flat Earth concept is biblical and therefore is required to believe as an act of faith, regardless of any counter arguments. I read about a gangster years ago that was in a shootout, and when he was finally cornered, he sent a letter out asking for mercy, saying that he would never hurt a fly.

One of the greatest reliefs you may ever feel in life might come from setting yourself free from the lies you tell yourself. To have your mind and heart unshackled from the responsibilities you are not actually responsible for. Or from the constant need to justify an idea that no longer makes sense to you.

Or from guilt that comes from unrealistic expectations. If you are this person, if you are the person that has tied themselves into knots to keep up whatever you are trying to keep up, let go. Or at the very least, change your expectations so that you don't have to stay in the hell like state of never being able to meet those expectations.

You may have something in mind already, so think on it. Figure out what isn't working, and in the words of one of my favorite Disney princesses, let it go.