Episode 11: Love Your Past Self

[00:00:00] Seth: Do you cringe when you think about some of the things that you've done? Maybe you even feel some amount of shame over things you have done in your past. When you do something you're not proud of, what kind of dialogue plays out in your mind? When you remember your past self, do you hate that person because they embarrassed you?

Do you feel like that person ruined who you are today? What does your self talk sound like? Do you tell yourself you are stupid? Do you seek out all of your flaws and point them out in your mind? Think about what is going on in your head. Have you become your worst critic? Is it a good thing to be your worst critic?

In the process of trying to better ourselves, sometimes we turn into a kind of monster. The kind of monster that tears other people down with no care for how it might affect them. It's not always a bad thing to have an inner critic. It's just that that inner critic has the potential to help you improve, but I don't understand why we so often let that inner critic behave like a heartless monster.

We will never get better at a thing if we don't observe what we did wrong and try to improve it. We need that inner voice to help us get better at things. The inner critic has a unique place in our minds, though, because it is us. Yet, in a way, it feels like someone else. And for whatever reason, mean as that voice can be, it doesn't seem to sting quite so bad as when others say the same things.

It's preferable for most of us to have our inner critic say the thing before somebody else has a chance to say it. But because there is some value in having that inner critic, sometimes we allow that inner critic to behave as badly as it wants. And in effect, we give ourselves permission to hate ourselves.

But do you really want someone that hates you living in your head? When you have kids, you quickly find out how clueless, for lack of a better word, you are. Dumb they can be, but you also understand as their parents that they just haven't had as much time to learn what you've learned. You could bark at them every time they do something wrong.

You could hit them. You could beat them. It will probably teach them some lessons. But I think most of us can probably agree that route is going to come with a lot of baggage for that child. Kids need you to correct them. They need to learn the rules. The more they learn, the better chance they have at surviving and ultimately being successful adults.

Fortunately, we don't have to beat them and yell at them for them to learn things. In fact, we can critique them in such a way that doesn't burden them with low self esteem and insecurities. And as much as we seem to be able to recognize that it's not necessarily a good thing to yell and scream and beat your children, sometimes we ignore that lesson when it comes.

Now, I've always had a fairly harsh inner critic. That's not unusual. In fact, I think most people have a fairly harsh inner critic. My inner critic would frequently call me something to the effect of stupid or worse. And whenever I happen to remember my embarrassing moments, that inner voice was always ready to speak up and offer unhelpful advice.

It didn't really bother me very much. I suppose the rest of me, if it was responding to the critic, would likely have said something like. Yeah, I wouldn't even say I was too terribly affected by it. I continued to live a fairly productive life, but there is a kind of added tension when that negative voice is always there.

I had an experience that really changed things for me. In fact, it was, it was really kind of a surprise. It came at a left field. It wasn't something I it wasn't a lesson that I was expecting to learn on that day, but I'll, I'll start off and give you a little context. I have always had a soft spot for children.

When I see little kids, I feel a kind of sympathy for them. I guess you could say I see their vulnerability. And I recognize how helpless they are and that sympathy is paired with a kind of love for their openness to love and to laugh on some random day however long ago I got this picture that my mom sent to me of this cute little toddler and when I first looked at it I thought it was my son and so per usual I had that kind of sympathetic love feeling that happens Especially when you see your own kid and when I looked at the picture again I realized that it wasn't actually a picture of my son.

It was a picture of me You Now, almost my entire life, I've had this inner critic that was saying a lot of unkind things to that kid in that picture. And in that moment, I realized that that little kid did not deserve to have anyone talk to him that way. And in that same moment, I realized that that little child I was seeing deserved to be forgiven for his mistakes.

And I was able to recognize that his mistakes were inevitable. And he needed to make them in order to learn. I also became keenly aware of everything that child was going to experience with a God like knowledge of his future. I felt an even greater level of sympathy knowing what lows he was going to have to deal with.

And it really gave me a new perspective. It let me have a taste of what it might be like to be a loving Heavenly Father. Because there I was, looking at somebody that I thought was my son. Feeling all of those fatherly, tender feelings towards this cute little child, and suddenly realizing child was me. I no longer let my inner critic speak to me the way that he used to.

When I think back to embarrassing moments, I try to remind myself that I'm learning. That I'm going to make mistakes. That tension I described? I still experience inner conflict at times, and that inner critic definitely rears his ugly head sometimes. But at least now I don't allow myself to hate myself anymore.

I try to be forgiving when I make mistakes. If I want to start talking to myself in a negative way, I remind myself that I'm still learning. That I'm going to make mistakes, and that's alright. I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to see that picture through my father's eyes. Had I not first thought it was my son, I don't think I ever would have been able to see myself that way.

We are all the child in that picture, and we are all going to make mistakes. We are going to embarrass ourselves, and we are going to learn. You don't need an inner critic that isn't rooting for your success. There are always going to be enough negative voices in the world that are going to be there to tear you down.

And you can make that one less voice. So learn to love your past self and your current self in the process. Because once you can learn to love that version of you that has made mistakes, you will be able to love who you are now. You don't need to get rid of the inner critic. The critic serves a purpose, but you do need to keep it in check.

That critic should be critiquing you so that you can become better, not so that you feel worse about yourself.