Episode 111: Marshmallow People

What in life deserves our time and attention, and what things don't? I hope that as we consider that question, along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “Marshmallow People.”

There are some really bad people out there. But then there are all the people that want you to think they're really bad, but actually aren't. It's easy to think we know who someone is, but the more I've gotten to know different people on a deeper level, the more I've realized how easy it is to get things wrong.

Some of my best friends are people I was kind of forced to get to know through work and school, and without those situations, I likely would've decided that they weren't my kind of people and never even tried to get to know them. But people are more often than not, a lot more than what they seem to be, but we would never know most of the time. In the case of those harsher seeming personalities, they're just as often softies as not.

Those stuck-up women that seem to look down on everyone so frequently are terrified of others looking down on them. Sometimes they're rude even, but I think it's almost more of a defense mechanism than anything else. They keep people at bay so they don't get taken advantage of. Most of the ultra-tattooed people I know that I've gotten close to almost seem to wear them like a shield to keep people away from seeing their gooey marshmallow interiors.

See, what people show us on the outside doesn't usually tell us the truth. There's always some truth to what people present, and sometimes the truth it points to is what it's trying to hide. Now, I use tattoos as an example, but I more or less see the same thing going on when I see the cool girl or the cynic or the tough guy.

Too much effort to come across to people as a certain stereotype begs the question, why? We all have preferences and individual styles, but some of us embed ourselves so deep into a stereotype that no one gets to see who you are. It's sad because that's a lonely existence. These edgy people I've gotten to know are more often than not marshmallow people, so afraid of the pain others can cause them that they ward them off with symbols or they lash out to keep people at bay.

They don't wanna be seen. They want to hide. That armor they put on is effective, and it does keep a lot of people at a distance, but it can also be suffocating. Personas we adopt shape the way people think about us, but they also shape the way we think about ourselves. If a girl doubles down on the whole bad girl persona, she may mentally lock herself away from ever being fulfilled by being good.

If a guy insists to himself that he can never be anything but tough, he misses out on what it feels like to have other people support him from time to time. Behind every face is a whole lot of emotions, unless, of course, you happen to be a psychopath. But for the rest of us, we feel a lot, and everything we do is partially motivated by those feelings behind the facade.

I think most people have a lot to offer if you can get past their facade and insecurities. It's worth breaking through that crusty exterior to get to know that marshmallow person that lives inside. Breaking through that hard exterior is tricky, though. I think in part because there aren't really any easy tricks.

It seems to me like getting past someone's walls usually fails when you intentionally try to get past them. Walls just can't be torn down. People have to choose to let those walls down themselves. People that put these walls up in the first place are usually hyper-distrustful to begin with. Any effort to get them to open up just gives you power to hurt them. 

So being anything other than completely authentic will get you nowhere. Something most people learn to catch early in life through hard experiences is when a person isn't being genuine. Being genuine is hard to mimic because it means you need to be performing around the clock. The occasions that I've gotten these marshmallow people to open up to me have only happened after getting to know them over a long period of time and on their terms.

It seems to help if you yourself are willing to open up a little, but that still doesn't seem to guarantee anything. Time and consistency is the most surefire way you will ever be able to get past those walls. It's hard to understand that all those seemingly hard people just had something soft inside them that got hurt once and just doesn't want it to happen again.

It helps because these kinds of people are frustrating and confusing. I think more often than not most of us would rather run away from them than befriend them. But at least if we can recognize what is behind some of the most frustrating behaviors, we don't have to take it so personally. And maybe we endure them just long enough to even get to know that soft marshmallow person hiding behind the walls.

If you've ever roasted a marshmallow, you probably noticed that if you shove it into the fire, it gets burnt up and charred. But if you're willing to take your time and rotate it slowly over those embers, you end up with a soft, perfectly browned treat. People, like a properly roasted marshmallow, take a little time and patience if we want to see the best of them.

This is Skipping Stones - “Marshmallow People.” You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonesr.com. And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe. If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me at info at skippingstonesr.com.

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