Episode 61. Men Want to Be Mothered

What in life deserves our time and attention and what things don't. I hope that as we consider that question along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “Men Want to Be Mothered.”

I think as much as the typical man wants to project an image of rugged independence and toughness, what he really wants out of a relationship with a woman is to be mothered. There are two distinct differences between men and women, as I see it, and one obviously is biology, but the other I would say is nature.

The differences between our nature's, is that generally speaking, men are tuned into things and women are tuned into people. You won't find nearly as many women as men fixing cars or spouting out random facts about the Civil War and vice versa. You won't find nearly as many men seeking to be elementary school teachers.

Of course, not that they couldn't. As important as sex is to a man. If that's all he wanted in a relationship, he could simply pay for it. Men do not seek out relationships with women 'cause they just want sex. What they want is feminine love. They want the back scratches. They want the aeration, they want the person to feel bad for them.

When things are hard, they want someone to tell them to go to the doctor. They want someone to make them a sandwich, not because they want a subservient woman, but because that is the kind of thing that feminine women do when they love someone. In short, men want to be mothered, not because they want another mom, but simply because mothers happen to do loving things.

Being in a divorce situation, it's become incredibly clear to me as I try to raise my kids that I am deficient in the femininity category. I do my best and they still have their mom in their life. But I noticed the other day as I was trying to think about things like clothes, shoes, and other stuff they needed that it really hurt my head. 

They're all well fed, and they have what they need. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to stay on top of the little details that mothers seem to do without trying. I. So I like the topic of masculinity and femininity. It's a strange time in history and I don't know that it has ever had so much focus on it before because in the past, I think the concept of masculinity and femininity was more or less taken for granted.

The last four or five decades have brought a generation of men and women to start wondering what really is masculine and feminine. Now ideas are tricky things in my short life. It seems as though every popular movement has had a certain amount of whiplash. And in the case of masculinity, it seems like the approach to it is sometimes more like using a hammer to bend something back into shape.

It might get you more or less where you need to be, but it's probably gonna be pretty ugly. For some people, it seems like it's become a religion complete with an entire set of rules for what is and is not masculine. The gist of what most masculinity preachers seem to be preaching is that men need to be rugged, tough, independent, and competitive.

The ideal man is something of a cross between a superhero and a philosopher. And I actually like that idea. But where I struggle a little bit is the idea of rugged independence. I do believe the ideal man is indeed a leader. I also believe that relationships work best when the man can provide and protect in some way, even if he isn't the primary breadwinner.

But where I think I differ a little is that in an ideal relationship, a man should not be entirely independent from his woman. If he doesn't need her in some way other than sexually, there's no reason for him to have a steady relationship. What he needs is that nurturing element that women have a unique capacity to offer.

I don't think any woman necessarily owes any man that kind of love and attention. The difference between a man's mother and the woman in his life is that there's an exchange between him and his woman. A mother, rightly so, is going to have some amount of affection or hope for her children, regardless of how ridiculous they become.

But that kind of feminine love and attention comes from a partnership with a woman. Only belongs to a man that gives back. I've heard women complain quite a bit about their husbands being another child to them. I don't think any woman wants to feel like a mother to her husband, and that makes sense to me because a mother is not just a nurturer, but in a sense they're also a provider and protector to their children.

In the earliest years of childhood, mothers are everything to that child. I think largely because of this inherent responsibility placed on women's shoulders, it makes it clear that in order to feel happy with their partner, he needs to make her feel secure. Since the dawn of humanity, women have relied on their men to protect them so that they can keep those children alive.

A harsh, harsh world has shaped this relationship from the very beginning. So, if a man is failing to provide a level of safety and security to the woman. The relationship is going to struggle, but likewise, the more a man feels that love and admiration from his wife, the better he'll be prepared to face the forces of the world when everything is going right.

The male female dynamic is a beautiful thing. When a man feels loved and adored by his woman, he feels that much more determined to face the world and is that much more motivated to protect the woman of his life. As a consequence of that, he's going to be more likely to succeed in that world and will be more capable of making his wife feel safe and secure when a woman feels completely safe and secure with her man, that well of feminine love and attention is opened and the cycle goes on and bolsters them both against the inevitable pain and crisis that the world will throw at them. 

So when a woman says she thinks her man is like another child to her, I think what that really means is that she no longer feels safe and secure with him because if she did, I don't think it would really bother her to have to remind him to take a shower or to go to the doctor or to scratch his back. I can only really speak for myself, but I think most men want the same things out of a relationship.

It's not just about the sex, but the little things. The way she scratches your head when she makes you a meal that you really like when she notices that you're tired from work and tries to do something to help you with that. I could never be completely reciprocal with a woman in showing love that way, but what I can do is take care of her.

I can tell her how much I love her. I can be the kind of man she's proud to have as a partner in her life. As a child, I ran to my mother for safety, protection and love. I ran to her so that she would hold me and keep the nightmares at bay. Today, I would sooner be the one to try and protect my mother, and that's how it's supposed to be.

But I will never stop appreciating her love, which has always been obvious to me. Men want to be mothered because mothers do love things, and what it boils down to is that men. Want to feel loved.  This is Skipping Stones. You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com.

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