Episode 55: People Will Like You More If You Say No to Them

What in life deserves our time and attention, and what things don't? I hope that as we consider that question, along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “People Will Like You More If You Say No to Them.”

Everybody starts out in life as a bully. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but children are savages. I find it amusing sometimes to watch my kids pick on each other. They are masters of poking at each other's insecurities. The funniest to watch is my three-year-old, who likes to tease my six-year-old. She is three, and she already knows how to get her brother to hyperventilate.

And she likes it. Ironically, part of what makes children so fun to watch is their savagery. They just are so curious about life that they want to push on everything. And this is how they learn. They poke at things until something happens. At the early stages of life, we learn about things by touching them.

It isn't until we are older that we learn to think about things in any abstract ways. As infants, if we want to learn about something, we grab it, and we touch it, and we lick it, and we smell it, and we squeeze it. A bully is basically a person that grew up and missed the boat on learning things like compassion and self-restraint.

We never stop pushing, poking, prodding, or touching things as we age. We just become more subtle. If the things we wanted to learn about did not provide any resistance to us, it would be like trying to play with mist. You can see that it's there, but you can't necessarily do anything with it. More or less, the only thing you can do with things like smoke, fog, or mist is to watch what they do when you move through them.

You could almost argue that in order to really learn to understand anything, you have to be able to touch and feel it, and in order for anything to be touched or felt, it needs to exist. It needs to provide some resistance when you touch it. 

As a result of this, if we do not provide any resistance to other people, they will never know where to stop when they reach out, and they will never see you as more than an image.

The amusement they will take from you is the same kind of amusement a person takes from watching mist swirl around as they move their hands through it. A person that offers no resistance to others is almost an unknowable person. If a person gave me everything I asked for, how would that be different from an inanimate object, like a computer?

I don't think people are able to like us without some amount of resistance. And if you know someone that only seeks out people that do not resist, I think it might be fair to say that they don't actually like people. Learning to exist is about learning to like yourself just enough. That you are willing to insist that what you want actually matters some of the time.

It is as much a service to the world as it is to yourself when you learn to provide a little resistance when it's called for. When you fall into the trap of appeasing too much, you become resentful. You become the kind of person that is most likely to lash out because you are the most pent up. In a way, you become the least predictable, which Possibly, above all other traits, is the one necessary for sustained, long term relationships.

I think sometimes when we talk about bullies, it really is a little like evoking the boogeyman. Not that bullies don't exist, but rather, everybody is a bully to some extent. There's that innate part of everyone. that wants to push on other people to see what happens. It may be counterbalanced with compassion, guilt, or fear, but it's there in everyone.

If you could strip the most compassionate woman in the world of her compassion and her sense of guilt over participating in behaviors that are not accepted by society, I guarantee she would want to see what happens when she pushes on people. Offering resistance to the pokes and prods of other people, unfortunately, is not such a simple thing as do or do not.

There is a happy middle ground that we have to intuit to be the most effective. On the other end, from being the person that provides no resistance to other people's actions, you have that person that almost invites more negative attention simply by reacting so strongly to a perceived threat that they become amusing to watch to people. 

A lot of times, when a bully is picking on someone, being curious. They're trying to see what you will do. It's just as novel for them to see you put up a big show of resistance as it is to watch you do whatever they say. So long as that person doesn't represent a threat, why wouldn't they keep poking at them?

When you are overly defensive, You show your cards, it becomes clear to the other person that you are insecure about the thing that you are so ardently defensive about. I sometimes catch myself doing this, and I have to remind myself that at the end of the day, the people accusing, picking on you, don't really care what your explanation is.

If they did, they would ask. So, don't offer a reason. Let them get under your skin. I tell my kids when they start hyperventilating over something they did to each other. When you react to the other's prodding, you're giving them power over you. I try to remind them not to give power to other people unnecessarily.

My daughter might be freaking out at her brother copying everything she says while he is having the time of his life watching the reaction. Do not appease and do not blow up. Bullies respond to boredom and to threat. If they know you won't give them a satisfying reaction, they will get bored, or if they know you're capable of threatening them, socially or physically, they will find an easier target.

For the most part, what we would call bullying is the domain of childhood, but as we grow, those same dynamics play out, albeit in a different way. If you've taught yourself that you need to make everyone else happy before you make yourself happy, you will be turning even the most well-meaning people into your enemies.

Every time they ask for something that you do not want to give or do. Any time a well-meaning person feels like you made a mistake or did something wrong, you're going to react with a laundry list of actions you took on their behalf that they never even knew was a problem. Do not give away that which you do not wish to truly give away.

If they can help it, people don't generally want others to be martyrs on their behalf. When they did not ask for that. If you are going to give to someone, do not give it to build up a tally of IOUs that they don't even know about. Give because you want to give, not for the sake of preempting criticism or preparing your defense against an unknown future concern.

Simply by existing, you have the privilege of occupying space on this earth, and there is no reason Why you should allow others to treat you like you shouldn't. People prefer things that they can touch and feel. And they want to know that people around them are real. People that like people will like you more if you say no to them.

This is Skipping Stones. You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com. And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe. If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me at info@skippingstonessr.com. New episodes will be released weekly, every Monday.