Episode 52: Pity The Defeated Man

 What in life deserves our time and attention and what things don't. I hope that as we consider that question along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones: "Pity The Defeated Man."

When I'm watching a movie and something bad happens to a dog or a baby or a little girl or boy, or even a grown woman. I feel pretty sad for them. But you know who, I don't feel bad for almost ever. Men, typically. I'm just waiting for them to suck it up and move on to trying to fix the problem. Watch.

Watching a man cry is disturbing more than anything, and I don't think I'm alone in feeling that, and I think that's kind of sad. Men are expected to be heroes or villains, and when they're neither, we don't know what to do with them. A man that is not in the fight isn't the same kind of man that is a man that has left the fight is defeated and without purpose or pity in the world.

In fact, he's the kind of man we all scorned pity the man that had all the hopes in the world and has achieved none of them. Pity the man that once was admired.  Pity, the defeated man because most likely no one else will. Few people are as alone in the world as the defeated man by the time most men reach a level of maturity.

They've learned the pain of defeat at least once or twice in their life, but there is a unique kind of pain reserved for the man that has to live through an enduring defeat. That won't go away and leaves his very understanding of who he is destroyed Along the way, all little boys grow up wanting to be a hero.

They want to be stronger than everyone else. They want to be smarter than everyone else, and they want to be the best. They talk about what they want to do in their life, like it's already happened. They live in fantasy as much or more than they live in reality. Unfortunately for them, not everyone can be the best.

And the world of men, unfortunately, plays out as more of a winner takes all scenario. The highest rungs of worldly status belong primarily to men, but so do the lowest rungs of status. Only one person can be the smartest or the strongest. So, reality has a way of tempering our expectations, but nothing.

It's as hard for a man to endure as the slow realization. Not that he isn't the best, but that he may be one of the worst. Discovering that you are less than incredible is painful, but having to learn that you are not good enough is excruciating, and finding that at the end of the day, you are less of the hero you imagined yourself to be as a child is earth shattering the same man can be at least two different people.

He can be one version of himself when he is winning, and he can be another entirely when he's losing. When a man's losses in life begin to mount, he becomes afraid. He becomes scared to have to return and face his problems and seeks out distraction from his pain. As he turns away, he progressively binds himself more and more each day with the chains of shame and sadness, a defeated man can't bear to be seen and consequently pushes people away by retreating to fleeting pleasures or by compensating through aggressive control.

The defeated man is at times detestable, not because he's defeated, but because a defeated man. Is quick to anger, more sensitive to insult, and more insecure about his position in life. His thinking becomes more and more shortsighted, and his capacity to work becomes reduced or he becomes obsessive about it.

He often becomes the man that can't hold a job and seeks solace and immediate gratification from the things in the world that only bring more pain later. Every man will face some defeat in his life, but only some men have the unfortune of experiencing total defeat. I've certainly felt defeated at times in my life, and I've known to some degree what it feels like to have your understanding of yourself be shattered as you find that you do not make the cut.

But I've never felt the sting of feeling completely unnecessary to the world, like some men have. Men are inherently doers, and as such, their value in society is tied to their ability to produce. And when a man no longer feels needed or even wanted, he experiences a humiliation that goes bone deep when you grow up thinking you'll be Superman, but are disappointed in life to find, you cannot even get a job as a henchman for the bad guy.

The very soul of that man weeps. Everyone is there for the man that is trying to claw himself out of that situation, but no one is there for him when he is in the depths of it, because a defeated man doesn't want to be seen. And finds a way to push everyone else away, but even if he didn't, a defeated man is not someone we want to acknowledge.

The very existence of such men causes the rest of us to become all too aware of our own insecurities, and as a result, we are unable to see his pain. There are a lot of ways to defeat a man. And you'll find that the shape of that defeated man may not always fit your expectations.  He may have been defeated in his workplace.

He may have been defeated by his spouse. He may have been defeated long ago by his parents, or he may have been defeated back in school. A defeated man may be rich, he may be handsome, he may be poor and ugly, but regardless of what shape he takes. He's feeling the stinging pain of failure and hasn't found a way to get back on his feet.

The defeated man is in constant pursuit of relief from his pain, which he may find by belittling others, shouting at others, hiding from others by drinking, smoking through an obsessive commitment to work, or by chasing arousal by any means necessary. The defeated man doesn't want your help so much as he wants you to find a reason to love him.

He wants to know that there is a part of him that is worthy of love and of admiration.  He wants you to look past his flaws and see something in him that is good. But showing love to a defeated man is like hugging a porcupine sometimes. All we can do is to stand at arm's length. And to give them our hope.

The next time you see a defeated man, try not to believe that all he will ever be is a defeated man. 'cause if you saw him before he was defeated, you would've seen a different man. And just as a winner can begin to lose,  so too can the losing side begin to win again. You cannot give a defeated man success because no one has the capacity to give that to him other than himself.

The more you give a defeated man. The more you take from him, the path of the defeated man is a lonely one that only he can walk. But if he so happens to find himself on the other side of his failure, there is no better man on earth. So, I hope in a way that all men have the opportunity to walk through the mire of deep failure so that we might know what it feels like to be truly successful. There is no man more successful, then the one that has failed first.

This is Skipping Stones. You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com. And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe. If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me: info@skippingstonessr.com, new episodes will be released weekly every Monday.