Episode 85. The Loudest Person Is the Most Afraid to Be Seen

What in life deserves our time and attention and what things don't. I hope that as we consider that question along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “The Loudest Person is the Most Is the Most Afraid to Be Seen.”

Sometimes the loudest person in the room is actually hiding in plain sight. I think everyone knows that person that walks in and kind of imposes their voice on the group. When you find yourself in a room with this person, you'll notice that pretty much all the talking being done is coming from that one person, and the conversation doesn't veer from where they want it to go.

We might call this person outgoing, extroverted, or even gregarious. But I think this person more] often than we think might in a way be the shyest person there. There's a kind of anonymity that comes from being loud. It can be a kind of fortified wall we hide behind. Controlling the room might feel like strength, so that's probably why they do it, because deep down, the part of them that they're afraid of cannot be seen.

If they're able to hide behind the loud noise of their own voice, it's soothing to them because it reaffirms that they are not weak. Or forgettable. I realize that sometimes people like to tell themselves that being the most open or the loudest person in the room is authenticity, but I think it's actually more likely to be the opposite.

Sometimes they might blurt out their darkest secrets or exactly what comes to mind in the moment, which in theory. Is being authentic, but the motivation for doing so isn't very authentic. They pretend to do it out of bravery and indifference to the negative opinions of others. But if someone feels compelled in any way to overshare, that's from a place of fear more than bravery.

Their insistence on being heard becomes a shield instead. The approach is as though they were in a competition with everyone else. It's almost like they feel the need to either overwhelm the other people in the room with their thoughts and opinions, or to simply put out their dirty laundry before anyone can accuse them of hiding it.

It certainly doesn't come from a place of contentment. When you are the loudest person, you may feel like you're commanding the room. But you certainly aren't participating in it. When we come in strong and take over the conversation, we force everyone there to see us a certain way and smother any possibility of outside contributions.

Loudness is a form of control and instead of allowing people to take their guesses as to what we are, we force feed them with an impression so loud, their ears are still ringing after they've parted. That overly opinionated, overly loud, overly pushy person is not who they actually are. What we're seeing is their fear of being forgotten or their fear of being less than that comes when they feel ignored or insignificant.

Being the loudest person in the room is the sneakiest way a person can stay alone in a crowd. When no one else has room to exist in the same room, there's hardly a difference. Maybe for some people it's a scary thing to have to listen more than they speak because they risk having to potentially listen to perspectives that may contradict their own.

Maybe they associate a tension with their self-worth, and maybe moments of silence are actually more deafening than the sound of their own voice. Painful as it may be to keep our mouths shut. We have so much more to gain from it. When we talk, we repeat the things we already know, but when we listen, we usually learn something we didn't.

Giving others a chance to talk gives them an opportunity to make connection with you. It gives you a chance to maybe find out you actually really like the person you're with. Either way, when you allow others a chance to speak, you don't have to be alone anymore. When we let others into the conversation, we give people a chance to see who we are more authentically.

The part of us that is authentically us is not wrapped up in an effort to compensate for something, your authentic self may even be a wreck. But authenticity doesn't require us to announce that over a loudspeaker. It is so easy to be tricked into thinking that attention is the equivalent to value in our modern era.

We get fooled into thinking if we can get more eyes on us than we have worth, but our worth really comes more from what we can give to others and much more often than we may think. Giving another person an opportunity to speak a little bit about themselves provides far more value than bombarding them with our thoughts and opinions.

Quiet. Confidence is strength that goes deeper than surface level. It's not obvious. It's not even exciting, but it is real and people can feel it. A truly confident person does not need to command a room. They do not need the attention of others. They do not need to be soothed by the sound of their own voice.

Real strength has never come by being louder than everyone else. If anything, being louder than everyone else does us a disservice like the boy who cried wolf. People learn to tune out the people in their lives that will not be quiet. Things worth saying do not have to be a novel, and if they happen to be a novel, it will only enrich what you have to say if you're willing to hear what others have to add to it.

If you are the loudest person in the room, maybe ask yourself what you're so afraid of people seeing. I think if you want people to think about you a certain way, it's always better just to follow the advice. To show them instead of telling them this is Skipping Stones - “The Loudest Person is the Most Is the Most Afraid to Be Seen. "You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts.

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