Episode 106: The Value of Respect

What in life deserves our time and attention, and what things don't? I hope that as we consider that question, along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “The Value of Respect.”

I think we sometimes confuse having status with having] respect. Thankfully, respect isn't really something you can buy, inherit, or have bestowed upon you by another person or entity. It's truly not a thing to be passed around like a commodity, which is part of what makes it so valuable. A military platoon may report to a young officer, but the person with the highest respect may be one of the veteran soldiers who proved themselves in combat.

Celebrities have status, they have money, and they have attention, but how many of them do you actually respect? I personally have very little respect for hardly any of them, but to be fair, I don't actually know them personally.] Respect demands we do something to earn it in the first place, but in return, respect gives back.

When a respected person speaks, people listen. When a respected person tells us something, we tend to believe them. When a respected person makes a threat, we expect them to follow through, and when a respected person needs to lead, people don't have to be told to follow. Because when you're respected, people are proud to be associated with you.

If a man isn't respected, people generally assume the worst. U-usually means he is perceived to have poor judgment, poor character, poor self-control. People may like them, but they will never lean on them or even take them very seriously. The level of respect you've earned determines how you're treated.

People are more careful with the person they respect. They're less likely to mock them, dismiss them, manipulate them, or test them constantly. You may be the lowest man on the totem pole as far as status goes, but if people respect you, in many ways you'll be treated better than those with higher status but with less respect.

People might actually trust what you have to say. The same respect gives weight to leadership at work, with family, friends, or in your community. It's what allows a person to have influence. A respected person shouldn't have to perform because unless they're putting on an elaborate show, they're actually one and the same as the person people actually believe them to be.

We have a lot of institutional structures that maintain order, which is why a person that no one respects can be the one in charge. But in a setting where those structures aren't so tightly reinforced, like for example, in the middle of the ocean on a boat during the 1700s, those that did not command respect often found themselves drowned at sea as a result of a mutiny.

If you find you have to keep forcing, explaining, defending, or proving yourself, that's a pretty good sign you lack people's respect. When you have it, you don't have to push hard because your character is doing some of the work for you. Some people seem to think that earning respect is simply a matter of finding the right crowd of people.

But if you're not worthy of respect in one group, you aren't going to suddenly be worthy of respect in another. At best, you'll find yourself spending time with people just as despicable as you, who will tolerate you because they themselves also don't have any other  options. Respect takes a long time to earn.

No one really knows a person until they've seen them in action, and words are just not enough. But one action, one wrong action, can cause you to lose it all. Folding under pressure, lying to avoid consequences, putting on a show for people in public while being someone else entirely in private, being petty or making mountains out of molehills, or showing yourself to be entirely selfish can all decimate what respect people have for you.

Once upon a time, I really enjoyed being the class clown. I think I enjoyed the attention. But I saw enough other people go so far as to stop at nothing to get that laugh that I think I realized how repulsed I was by them and eventually took a look in the mirror and changed my class clown ways. Most people, especially men, inherently seek out and desire the respect of others.

But in spite of that, there are a lot of those people that have no qualms behaving in such a way that it makes it nearly impossible for other men to respect them. The worst is when you have the people that will do all the things that make them a laughingstock but still expect to be respected. Some people don't recognize the true cost of respect.

They're so incapable of earning it, yet they want it so badly that they will fight tooth and nail for titles and positions that force a certain amount of deference from underlings. In our pursuit of becoming more or becoming better, we often become confused by shiny objects that amount to little more than fool's gold.

We'll sometimes pursue nice things, acceptance, money, people's attention, a laugh, or a quick reward, all at the expense of people's respect for us, which is one of the few things in life that has any real value. Dignity comes from knowing who you are inside and out and being able to feel good enough about who you think you are to have some respect for yourself.

If there's any person's respect worth pursuing, it's your own. Few things do more to a person's self-esteem than being seen as unserious, weak, incompetent, or dishonest, but more especially when that is how we view ourselves. So don't do things to rob yourself of your own good opinion. One of the best decisions I ever made in my life was a while back when I told myself that no matter the cost, I would never do something again that made me respect myself less.

That cost has not been small, and I cannot say I've avoided every mistake, but I've avoided most of them since. And at times, my insistence on not doing things that would cost me my own self-respect have cost me very dearly in different ways, but I wouldn't change a thing. When you're respected, people shape [ themselves to you more than you need to shape yourself to them, and everyone is the better for it because people that are their best selves bring out other people's best.

Becoming the kind of person inside and out that you'd be proud to stand next to might just be the secret to a life well-lived. This is Skipping Stones - “The Value of Respect.”. You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com and if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe.

If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me at info@skippingstonessr.com. New episodes will be released weekly every Monday.