Episode 28: Trying to Give Up Status

[00:00:00] Seth: So, status. It seems like a thing reserved for rich people, but I don't think that really could be any further from the truth. See, the only way to live our lives without interacting with status is to not interact at all. When we lose it, our world feels like it's crumbling, and when we gain it, it feels like cloud nine.

If you have ever felt embarrassed in your life, You have experienced what it feels like to lose some amount of status. So, per the dictionary, status is your position relative to other people. So, a rich guy that nobody likes or listens to does not necessarily have that much status. It's really limited to what he can pay people to do.

While a poor man that has hundreds of followers has incredible status. Now people pursue status in different ways. I think we think of it through the lens of money most of the time. But there are so many different ways to find it. You can find it through power, through politics. You can find it through money, beauty, intelligence, physical strength, through fame.

And outside of religious perspectives on the value of a person, value is determined by society. Status is that relative social value you have compared to your peers. And it sounds cynical, but everyone seeks status. It just doesn't look the same. A woman may seek status by trying to be the most liked person in her friend group, or by having the most friends.

Or by being the most beautiful, by being the nicest person. Or by having the most perfect family. Maybe she seeks status by associating herself with someone else that has status. Well, a man is probably going to seek the more stereotypical versions of status. Maybe physical status through performance and sports.

Maybe intellectual status by knowing more and being smarter than his peers. Maybe he just does his best to make a ton of money. And then, of course, there's a kind of status that the religious pursue through their standing with God. And I suppose status may not, since that, per the dictionary, since that has nothing to do with how you stand relative to other people, maybe that's not status at all, and that's really just value.

A pursuit of value. So, In my life, I've always sought out status. For me, I like to feel respected and heard, as I'm sure most people do. But that motivates me to a greater extent than some to seek out status. I remember this, I've got this story that's, it's really memorable to me because, because it really impacted the way I feel.

I thought about things and how I sought to lead my life at that point. So I was probably 15 years old or so when a friend of my mom's hired me to, to help out at this one time event. She was an event planner and they were opening some fancy salon and it was this grand opening and you know, they hired a bunch of teenagers to do just whatever.

So there's a bunch of prominent people there and they were all dressed up real nice and My job was simply to pass out drinks and I was standing behind a table and people come up and they're just soft drinks and I'd pass them these drinks. And you know, to be expected, they're looking at the drinks the whole time and trying to pick what they want.

And then I'd Give it to them. And you know, that's, that's the job. It was really simple, but I began to feel like nobody even saw me. I mean, they wouldn't even look at me and I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I mean, did they need to look at me? Absolutely not. I was there to pass out drinks. I wasn't there to get their attention.

I mean, I could have been a robot. They just needed my hands, which is perfectly fine. That's what they were paying me to do. So I passed out drinks to maybe a hundred different people and I just didn't feel like anybody saw me. I had no status at that event, which is absolutely fine. And there's nothing wrong with that because I got paid in exchange for it.

But I realized that day that I wanted to be on the other side of that table. I wanted to be somebody that other people would want to look at and say hi to. So my flavor of status comes down to a few avenues. You know, as an adult, money is probably the primary way that I've pursued status. But you know, I, I also like to try to be funny, getting people's attention and making them laugh is, is another way that I've pursued it.

But definitely money is the primary mode of status seeking that I adopted. See most of the decisions in my life revolved around bringing in more income over time. And it wasn't even the appearance of money that I necessarily pursued, but rather the money itself. And I'm still far from being rich, but being rich was always the goal, because obviously eventually I did want all the stuff and if I'm being entirely honest, I, I don't think I wanted the stuff simply To be able to use it, but I'd like to be done seeking that flavor of status.

I'll keep on making money, but the change I'd like to strive for is just letting go of my dreams of those status symbols and not just the status symbols, but I don't want to feel kind of self satisfied in a group of people because I make more money than them. I don't want to feel more important than other people because I make more money than them. I'm trying to give up status.

I want to feel important because those people have benefited from me. Those people like me because I did something for them. I'd like for money to become no more than a tool for me. The status I want to pursue is that of respect outside of my possessions, as well as that eternal status tied to that which is good and moral.

I read that at the end of Leo Tolstoy's life, he committed to living an aesthetic life, even though he had lots of money. And I always admired that. He completely detached himself from the need to have material status. And he just existed and he pursued his writing. I've also always been struck by, by Jesus asking his followers to go and preach without thought to their income.

And he himself lived off of the charity of others. He just trusted tomorrow to God and went on. And we all know the results of that. And material status is so superficial anyways. People may be impressed at your capacity to earn, and they may even enjoy the benefits of your friendship. But more than anything.

Like I said before, I want people to love and respect me because I've done some amount of good. Outside of sharing my expensive toys and houses, I would love to earn respect, not to buy it. So the way to achieve that, so far as I can tell, is really just focusing in on that doing good to others element, investing your time into others, to selflessly give what you have to others.

There's a kind of insecurity around money for a lot of men. If you're good at making it. then it seems like you're typically deemed to be of higher value. Well, if you don't make very much of it, it's like you're deemed to be of lesser value. And not everybody actually thinks that way and, and by no means is that actually true, but it's, it's a perception.

And I think a lot of men are, are keenly aware of it. Something I noticed. So at one point after I got divorced, I was spending a lot of time on Facebook. I think I was just hungry for a connection of some kind. And, and I thought it was so funny on these Facebook groups. I was on some that talked about like, they were talking about separation.

Some of them were talking about a divorce and I was on some that were like kind of dating focused. And anyways, it was funny. How hard. All of the men would try to allude to The fact that they had money and it was always subtle and they did what they could to make it clear that they had money. And I get it to some degree because it's true that one's ability to make money is often an indicator of how responsible a person is.

But there comes a point where the pursuit seems to become more heavily attached to pride and insecurity. So what do we do to separate ourselves from these deep desires for superficial status? Peace. Whether it be physical beauty, whether it be wealth, whether it be the appearance of happiness. Again, I think it's just by giving to other people.

It's so easy to get caught up in it, though. In the dating world, especially now at my age, I've realized that a lot of men really get caught up in the idea that money is what makes women attracted to them. Probably because you see that many beautiful women end up with wealthy men. And I actually do think that money makes men more attractive to women, but But not necessarily for the reasons they think.

It isn't the money that most women are attracted to so much as the man's capacity to act and to be a leader. Women aren't generally attracted to men that spend their time in the basement playing video games, but rather they're attracted to the man's ability to handle things if things need to be handled.

And status is often a result of how you are perceived in that light. So it's really much more about your capacity to, to do and to accomplish and it really doesn't matter if you're making money in the process so much as it's clear that you can and that you're, you're doing things and that when push comes to shove, you'll be there.

So again, high earners have proven, at least in some degree, that they're capable of hand handling things, which may make them attractive to women. But then you have people like Jesus, who lived off of charity and arguably held the highest level of status available. And likewise, there are people out there that are committed to some kind of purpose that may prevent them from making very much money.

But, But they're capable, and they're strong regardless, and they're doing things, and they're moving the world forward in some direction. So just become the best version of yourself, and that best version of yourself will have status inherent to it. The reality that social value exists in the world can make us feel some amount of pressure to have it, but I truly believe that people are inherently valuable, and if we can actually bring ourselves to believe that.

We might actually be able to get a little more excited when we see other people's success instead of feeling a tinge of jealousy or resentment. If we could believe that, we could be free from the need to compare ourselves to others. And I believe to be free of the constraining effects of social status, you have to be completely convinced of this.

Inherent, eternal value. I love the Christian concept that we are all children of God, and as such, there's this implication that we have a kind of divine potential, and having that seed of divinity in us means that we have value regardless of social standing. Bringing Jesus back into this again, there's this great story that great analogy that he shares at one point in the Bible, and It's called The Prodigal Son, and to summarize it, a wealthy man gives one of his sons his inheritance early, and that son then goes and squanders it, more or less on partying, and ultimately ends up so destitute and hungry that he ends up eating out of a trough with animals.

This man then has it dawn on him that if he goes home, his father will likely allow him to be a servant. Where he could at the very least live a modest life. So this man that has ruined his life and defiled himself with wrongdoing for most of his adult life Returns home, but when he does he's treated as a servant But rather his father's overjoyed that he's come back at all and he gives him a gold ring And he throws him a big party and if you were a parent of a wayward child Would you not do the same if they came back to you?

I love this story because if you're like me, and you can bring yourself to believe in this concept of eternal worth, then there is no poverty, there is no weakness, no insufficiency, and no sin great enough to wash away that spark of divine potential and worth. We may not have our ducks in a row, and we may have made major mistakes in our life, and we may feel terrible, but no matter what we do, we have that little spark in us that will always have some value.

And I for one hope that in my life, I can learn to feel my value more from this divine potential than from how I compare myself to others around me.