Episode 56. What Will Fill Your Cup

What in life deserves our time and attention and what things don't. I hope that as we consider that question along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - “What Will Fill Your Cup.”

If we had a metaphorical cup that needed to be filled up to feel contentment, what would we have to fill it with? I know what we try to fill it with. I know we try to fill it with all kinds of things, but sometimes I think the real problem isn't that we don't have things to put in the cup, but rather that the cup has a hole in it.

Maybe that cup in and of itself represents our capacity to be content. Well, all the things that we do to feel happy are what we try to fill it with. If the cup is working the way it's supposed to, it theoretically won't take much for us to feel satisfied. But if only things were so simple, the problem is that most of the time we're filling it with the wrong things.

We pursue things that make us happy at the expense of things that make us feel satisfied. Maybe a better metaphor is that we're kinda like a car that's being given the wrong fuel to run on, and consequently we're sputtering and inefficient. Maybe we were designed for one kind of fuel, but we heard race cars run on something different, so we're trying to fill it up on the same stuff as them. 

Part of the problem is that happiness is an incredibly unsatisfying emotion. The second it leaves us, we're ready to bake for more. I've heard once that happiness should be expected to come and go regardless of our actions. I think it's the kind of thing to be grateful for when it's there, but. Not necessarily disappointed by when it finally does leave us.

Of course, being social creatures, sometimes we let our desires become informed by what we see others seeking, and if everyone is looking for the same thing in life, then it's easy to think that maybe that's what we need to be looking forward to. Feel happy. Somehow though we take cues from other people's desires more often than we take cues from the people that actually seem content and happy.

What makes a person content and happy doesn't seem to be a one size fits all solution. So rarely do we truly know what we actually want. Is it to be rich enough to buy a nice house? Is it to be richer than your friends? Is it to have contributed more to society in some meaningful way? Is it to have the perfect family, or is it to be the most respected  person in the room?

Success is so much more nuanced than just making a lot of money. We're drawn to this idea that money equals success. I think because it's quantifiable. But people aren't so simple. Money definitely equals comfort, but success is more dependent on what you value, whether it's other people's respect, people's love, money, knowing more than the next person, et cetera.

A good way to know if you are not successful in life is if you find yourself compelled to show people in some shape, way, or form that you are. I'm thinking of the guys. They want their friends and colleagues to see their cars. The woman that has to post a million pictures to show just how cute and happy her family is, the kings and queens of Instagram, the guys that insist on using technical jargon, no one around them understands so that they can look smart.

If you need people other than your close circle to see your successes, then maybe. What success really means to you is the admiration and envy of others. All too often though, that seems like a losing battle because if you so badly need the approval of people that you are not even close to, maybe what you lack is admiration for yourself.

If that is the case, your cup will never be full for long because it has a hole in the bottom of it. Accurately defining success is a bigger problem for most people than the effort to actually become successful. It's easy to adopt a society's view on success, but real success is what ultimately makes you feel successful.

More often than not, that kind of success has less to do with money and reputation, and more to do with how satisfied you are with your own actions relative to your values. A lot of unhappy people have values. The thing that makes 'em unhappy  is that they chase after satisfying their wants, before they pursue their values.

And this is why when they succeed in getting most of their wants, they feel empty and confused because they thought they got everything they wanted, but they're still unhappy. I. All the adoration and the money in the world will do little for you until you find a way to be successful in the way that actually matters to you.

The more successful you are in attaining your wants in life without becoming successful according to what you actually value, the more empty you will become. Success starts with knowing what it even means to you. At the start, it's simply knowing what things you need to change in order to feel good about yourself.

And after that, it's a matter of maximizing your potential. The more I think on it, the thing that really fills our cup isn't some custom solution. It's the same solution for everyone to fill our cup.  We need to be living in harmony with how we believe we should be living according to that which we believe is right and wrong.

It's easy to endure discomfort when your values require it, because it leaves you satisfied regardless of your circumstances. One of my favorite examples of this was the famous Russian writer, Leo Tolstoy. Near the end of his life after he had achieved fame and money. I think he already had money because I think he inherited  some.

But regardless, at this point in his life, he chose to live extremely simply because it better aligned with his values. Maybe the reason we can't fill our cup, it's not because we're not living according to our values, but because we are living without a set of values at all. That would effectively be like trying to fill a cup that doesn't even exist.

If that was the case, then happiness is all you would have worth pursuing,  which of course is a pleasant emotion, but it's not a satisfying one. So at the end of the day, figuring out what really matters to you. Is at the crux of the issue. If money, reputation, power, or pleasure are the only things worth pursuing, you are fighting a battle that cannot be won because in and of themselves, they cannot leave you satisfied. 

Principles and purpose are the vehicle that will take us to a satisfying life.  So what are your principles? What would you be willing to lay your life on the altar for? Isn't it ironic that the very things that actually satisfy us in life are the things that often require some amount of self-denial?

Not long ago, I read about a Japanese soldier named Hiroo Onoda that was fighting in the jungles of the Philippines when World War II ended, but was unaware of that fact because he was isolated with a handful of other soldiers and he'd lost direct contact with their leadership. Multiple efforts were made to make these men aware that the war was over, including leaflets written in Japanese that were dropped from planes and spread over the jungle, but he just thought it was enemy propaganda.

His fellow soldiers eventually died or surrendered. But Hiroo fought on for 30 years after the war, mostly harassing the native Filipinos. He lived off of forage and whatever he stole from the natives, when he was finally found by a young Japanese explorer, he still refused to leave until he was relieved from duty by his commanding officer.

So, they had to fly someone out there in order to do that. I read that when he finally returned to Japan, it had changed so much in the direction of consumerism that he was left feeling more unhappy than he was when he was living in the jungles off of forage. In spite of living on nothing for 30 years, he was satisfied because he was living by his principles as misdirected as those may have been.

In effect, he lived an honorable life. If you don't know what principles, you would commit your life to. You will always have a hole in your cup. This is Skipping Stones - “What Will Fill Your Cup.”  You can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com.

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